I’ll be normal…(right)

Literati! Tiffany Unique–oops!–Tiffany MONIQUE provides a soulution for what ales us–a second entry into our Wingnuts contest!

Let’s here it for lippo suction!

Abbey Normal and the Fool 

  by Tiffany Beard

I suck at quoting Abbey Normal. I always start giggling. Chris knows this. I’ll just have to wing it.

“Heinous fu–”

“Chris!” I snap, “It’s my turn!”

“You’re losing.”

Rubbing my hands together for luck I turn on my valley girl and began speaking 200mph. “Being the chronicles of one Abigail Von Normal, confessed mopey little emo queen, jealous of nosferatu because they have dark and eternal love–”

His lips in mine. Shock. Then his scent. Home. From a hundred dreams and a thousand heartbeats away.


We pull away, slightly high. Into my ear he breathes, “And the award for most cinematic kiss–”

“Still The Princess Bride”, I quip, rolling my eyes and giggling slightly. He replies, fake accent thick like winter stew, “Well hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.” His smile radiates. “Miss me?”

Such a loaded question. I longed for that kiss with my whole being. It was the one thing that could rekindle our ‘most epic fail’ of a relationship. Channeling Abby I proclaim, “I am totally your hopeless hose beast. All I had to do was say good-bye, but no, it’s like you have this power over me.”

Thankfully he kissed me before I had the chance to giggle.

From somewhere surreal I hear, “If any harm comes to her, I’ll see to it that ghosts ride you into your grave… again. Well…”

In the haze of stripeysocks rockin’ kissmagic, Chris’ voice fades


And to find out why Tiffany is Monique–oops!– UNIQUE!–why not pay her a visit?  Right here: www.timobe.com

14 thoughts on “I’ll be normal…(right)

  1. Diane Cresswell says:

    Oh lordy I love this Tif…Princess Bride all time favorite and still looking for that ultimate kiss…I’m still winging it. Absolute romp. I wonder what constitutes an ‘epic fail’ in a relationship? I think I have experienced those but it usually involves someone dying. Literally and figuratively…keep on swimming…and you just keep them coming…oh wait we’re allowed only two – rats. Love this.

  2. Parisianne Modert says:

    Alright, alright, I’m opened minded enough to handle a kiss with a man. Any volunteers? Nevermind. If you really want to see a cinematic kiss, I suggest the kiss between Necar Zadegan and Traci Dinwiddie from “Elena Undone”. The front cover of the DVD case states, “Featuring the Longest Kiss in Cinema History!” If any of you ladies want to attempt to break their record on film, I’m willing. The film is a very sensitive, well shot and dramaticly insightful into current views on orientation. With that being said, I enjoyed your very clever entry Tiffany.

  3. KYLE Katz says:

    You made me stop and remember those few long, delicious kisses I cherish. Tiffany your
    writing styles snaps like a rubber band. Direct with power of language that is
    crisp and current. “Fake accent thick like winter stew. Hopeless hose beast.”

    You definitely have your own voice that megaphones itself
    from timid to– in our Face. So let your stripey socks continue to Rock. You are

  4. Michael Stang says:

    This is a play, right? People who act can go on to a stage and totally do this, yes? I can see it…confusing Broadway lights showcases you- Tiffany Beard, as the limos wait in line. “Tiffany, I snapped, it’s your turn, you’re winning!”

  5. Tiffany Monique says:

    Cool news about this submission – I sent the link to Christopher Moore (gotta love the fans) via email. He read it and called it fun!

    (Please insert awesome dance of cute smug happiness the likes of which can be seen by Vector from Despicable Me)

    Christopher Moore read MY stuff! That is humbling, and tickling, and just…. REALLY FRICKIN’ COOL! AND he responded! He didn’t have to do that… or he didn’t have to have his publicity people do that. Either way… really feelin’… groovy about it (Yes, I said groovy).

    To quote Chris, who grows in coolness by Abby Normal leaps and bounds… “ONWARD”.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.