THE GREAT SALTINE
by Sal Buttaci
You would think, with a name like Grover Saltine, the Republican Senator from Georgia would have run away from home at age ten and joined the traveling circus under a less laughable name. He did not. In fact, he wore “Saltine” like a badge of honor.
“My great-granddaddy hailed from Italy,” he’d say, “where ‘Saltine’ was pronounced the Eye-talian way, ‘Sahl – TEE – nay’ but we’re in America now.”
Congressmen and constituents who cast their lot with the Donkey Party referred to this elephant as “the Georgia cracker heavy on the salt.” If he were aware of the backbiting, he never acknowledged it. Both sides of the aisle were puzzled by how a politician, eyeball high in unbending conservatism, could take pride in the Saltine banner he waved, a cracker sloganizing the product of himself.
In his thirties he married Doreen Landsfill, a spinster Daughter of the Confederacy. He claimed he fell for her at the very first sight. Doreen Saltine? A coincidence? Then in yearly succession the couple brought to the light a son named Eugene and two daughters Nadine and Praline.
Do you see where I am going with this? Don’t you expect at any moment to crane your neck to see The Great Saltine in his blue tights, arms raised, high on the trapeze where he prepares to clasp the flying hands of Doreen, then Eugene, Nadine and Praline?
Was Grover Saltine crackers? On and under the surface, crazy as a loon? He wore that constant crazy-like-a-fox sneer everywhere he spoke. In his campaigns there seemed a political method to his madness. Like the man he hoped one day would be his running mate for President, Senator Inez Slump, he was honest to a fault. He never crumbled under pressure. He told the truth.
Did he love America? He did. However, when Scotus declared illegal the display of the Confederate flag, Saltine kept a handkerchief replicating that flag hidden in his side pocket. He’d wave it free in the privacy of home and office, mop his sweaty forehead while mumbling prayers for the Confederate dead.
(Editor’s note: this from 1999 tabloid)
IRVINE, CA—Citing “insufficient looks,” Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming Saltines. According to Hausner, Glass was not attractive enough to warrant special in-bed cracker-eating privileges. “Had she looked like Claudia Schiffer, I most certainly would have let the transgression slide and allowed her to stay in my bed and get crumbs all over the sheets,” Hausner said. “But she doesn’t, so I had no choice but to kick her out.”