Featured, Uncategorized, Writer's Showcase
Stefanie Allison Melts Down
Mar
Who would ever think this Make Me Laugh Challenge would bring out stories that are true and funny as heck. Stefanie Allison shares this TRUE story about a meltdown that would make Greta Garbo shudder with envy as she draped herself across a velvet fainting couch. This story really cracked me up, first because it’s funny as hell, and second because I’ve been in this same situation before. Heck, admit it, we all have and that’s what makes it so funny because we FEEL Stefanie’s pain.
So, I’m gonna quit talkin’ and let you get readin’.
Here’s Stefanie’s contribution to our NON-Competition “Make Me Laugh”.
The Semester Before I Joined Theater
St. Catherine Laboure Church Retreat
Spring, 2002
“Uh, Jeanie?”
“Yes?”
“…Are you serious?”
“Yes. Please, Stefanie? I have to fill out Angela’s report and she’s not here. You’re the only person who knows her well enough to do it. Please?” I didn’t think about it much at the time, but in a way, that wasn’t a compliment—to Angela or me. I stabbed at my pasta as I considered her request; I hated being nice sometimes.
“Oh, alright. If it has to be done, ok. So, what’s the first question on the paper?”
“Angela, how have the candidates for our confirmation program been overall this year?”
Let the show begin.
“They have been MONSTERS!” I yelled. “What kind of undisciplined, wild animals do you got here anyhow?!”
Oh the sound of forks clattering to the ground. Oh the sweet silence of gaping mouths. Jeanie made notes on the sheet of paper.
“Oh, I see,” Jeanie said calmly. “What suggestions do you have to improve the program experience for you?”
“You can get me a bottle of Xanax because that’s the only thing that’ll help me after dealing with THESE kids!”
Go ahead, guys, stare at me. Stare at me like I’ve been on the crazy train for the entire fifteen years of my life. Oh wait, I have.
“Mm hmm, very good, any other suggestions for the program?”
“Maybe a few orange prison jumpsuits might help too!”
Weren’t my fellow candidates’ mouths getting sore? Or weren’t they worried their food was getting cold?
“Alright Angela, one more question for you?”
“Oh great, NOW WHAT?”
“Will you come back next year?”
“COME BACK?! You want me to come back for another ride on this psycho rollercoaster?! Ugh, but if I don’t who’s going to keep these kids in line?! Oh man, that means I HAVE to come back! FINE! I’ll come back! I don’t want to, but I’M GOING TO!” Jeanie wrote a few more notes, then smiled at me.
“Ok, that’s it! Thanks, Stefanie!”
“No problem, Jeanie.”
I picked up my fork and took a few bites before looking at the rest of the candidates.
“What?” I asked before finishing my lunch.
I seriously think I still deserve an Oscar for that performance. But I suppose becoming branded “Most Unforgettable” in high school is close enough.
Psycho rollercoaster is just too cool for this school. Great fun, Stefanie. I love the image of open mouths and cold food.
Close your mouth and eat your ice cold grits, young man!
So what did Angela have to say about it when she found out??
Um…I don’t think she ever found out…
This cracked me up Steph…marvelous darling – just marvelous…
Awww thank you Diane! Where’s YOURS? <3
If I’m allowed – its coming. A bit daring if I might add – passing it through the editorial eyes to see if I can submit it.
Yeah – It’s allowed! I just couldn’t text y’a back today. Send it in! I’ll post it in a brown paper wrapper……
Yes. This is definitely you! I could see and feel every frame of reference as if I were interviewing you myself. Thanks for the laugh!
You’re amazing Stef!